Damn My Ex 

so christmas came, and we actually had some money. i gave marie some money, and dropped her off at a strip mall she said she wanted to shop in. looking at the stores in the mall, i could see some decent gifts coming my way. when i pick her up, her bags are packed with stuff. cool, finally some decent gifts from her, right?

not really. come christmas morning, when it comes my turn to open presents, i find two gifts for me under the tree. one was cologne that smelled like straight rubbing alcohol, and the other was one of those big-button calculators made for little old ladies who can’t see shit.

me: “what about all those bags?”

marie: “oh, those were for me, wanna see what i got?”

tons and tons of pretty nice stuff. all for her. she bought my stuff at dollar general. guess i was worth about $6 of my money to her.

picture it: valentine’s day.  a restaurant we’ll call blue crustacean.  marie and i sitting, eating, talking, and just enjoying the evening alone.

she ordered the live maine lobster, added some crab legs, and dessert later.  she loved the card, flowers, and gift.  i did good, right?  i mean, it’s a lot of pressure on v-day!  not quite.

two weeks later, i get this: “you ruined my valentine’s day”  WHAT!?!?!?!?!!!!

apparently, since the blue crustacean is one of my favorite restaurants, i was selfish when i took marie there.  my point was she had been drooling every time a commercial for them came on.  she was dropping hints like flies about how she’d just love to go there, so I TOOK HER!

then, of course, it’s also my fault she was party to lobster-murder, and she really didn’t enjoy herself, anyway.

she got a little wake up call the next v-day.  i told her i wasn’t going to make v-day about her and her alone.  it’s a day for lovers, and there’s two of us dammit.  so, if she wanted to help me plan it, we’d do something, if not, we wouldn’t.  i mean in all the years gone by, she’d never bought me a card or flowers or a gift.

sure enough feb 14 rolls back around, and we’re just at home like any other weeknight.  she’s pissed to all hell.  i reminded her that since it wasn’t all about her, but rather us, she obviously didn’t care since she didn’t plan anything.  we never did celebrate another v-day.

poor live maine crustacean, it never saw her coming.