Damn My Ex

Author Archive

$6 love

by on Jun.08, 2010, under Christmas

so christmas came, and we actually had some money. i gave marie some money, and dropped her off at a strip mall she said she wanted to shop in. looking at the stores in the mall, i could see some decent gifts coming my way. when i pick her up, her bags are packed with stuff. cool, finally some decent gifts from her, right?

not really. come christmas morning, when it comes my turn to open presents, i find two gifts for me under the tree. one was cologne that smelled like straight rubbing alcohol, and the other was one of those big-button calculators made for little old ladies who can’t see shit.

me: “what about all those bags?”

marie: “oh, those were for me, wanna see what i got?”

tons and tons of pretty nice stuff. all for her. she bought my stuff at dollar general. guess i was worth about $6 of my money to her.

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party favors

by on May.07, 2009, under Kids

so my then girlfriend, marie, had a son.  great kid.  well, she decided to go after her baby’s daddy for support.  according to her, he was her “one and only”.  okay, whatever, good luck!

test comes back: not him.  a little more digging and i get the story.  he was in the military back in texas (she had just moved here).  he’d have her over with a bunch of buddies, and she’d get wasted drunk.  she didn’t really remember anything that happened at the parties after a couple of drinks.  according to her, she only had sex with him a couple of times that she can recall.

my thought? maybe his buddies showed up at the parties for his great party favors.

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nice puppies

by on Mar.09, 2009, under Eating Habits

so marie, my then wife, and i went to a fast food seafood place.  you know short bob gold’s, and she tells me to get her extra hushpuppies.  so i come back with our order and extra hushpuppies (3).  she flips out, flips out!

apparently,extra means at least a dozen.  what did i end up getting her to get her to shut up?? two dozen, that’s 24 hushpuppies “on the side”.

and you thought this post was about boobs.

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nothing’s changed

by on Mar.09, 2009, under Morals

so marie and i are sitting in the bed of her truck after class let out, just talking like normal.  we’d been seeing each other for a couple of weeks.  nothing had happened yet, but, ya know- i was hoping.

she drops this bomb on me: “my baby’s daddy called from my old hometown.”

“uh-huh, did you tell him to go to hell?”

“i was gonna, but he asked me what my ring size is.  so now we’re engaged, but nothing’s changed between us.”

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do you mean genital?

by on Mar.09, 2009, under WTF???

so after marie and i broke up, she says, “i’m so glad we didn’t do a whole lot.”


“well, if i want to get intimate with a guy, i have to go to the doctor first.”

“again, WHY?”

“since i have general warts and all”

one, that’s something you should’ve shared with me during our relationship.  two, yes, i, too, am glad we didn’t get too far.  third, don’t you mean genital?

UPDATE:  i ran into marie’s dad this weekend.  she got knocked up right after we broke up.  yes, he got her “general warts”, too.   nothing like community property, huh?

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i’m fine, thanks for asking

by on Mar.01, 2009, under Morals

i was working as a server when a stack of pans in the back of house fell on my head. obviously, i was in pain.  worse than that, though, i was getting disoriented and confused.  probably a concussion, right?  so i call my then fiance, john, who was of all things, a nurse.

i explain to john what happened and asked him to take me to the hospital so i wouldn’t have to pay for an ambulance. (i know, i know, my employer should’ve done that.  what can i say? i was 21 and stupid.)

his response? basically, what the hell was i thinking, why did it go and do something so stupid, did i know he just got home from work and was really tired, did i have to go right now, and could he get something to eat first.

he finally picks me up and drops me off at the hospital, after he stopped at a drive-thru. yeah, he dropped me off.  he tells me later that i was probably faking and i wasted his time.  i was stupid to go to the ER, and i was going to have to pay for it.

i’m fine, thanks for asking, honey.

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how can you tell?

by on Feb.18, 2009, under Eating Habits

marie ate a lot. A LOT.  i mean, two gooey butter cakes by herself in one sitting.  an entire tub of meringue cookies.  unbaked muffins.  you know, just the batter?  uncooked pie crust.  a real health nut.

post-divorce, we’re talking on the phone.

“by the way, my doctor told me that i’m hypoglycemic,” she tells me.

my thought, you eat so damn much, how can you tell?

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is that a lot?

by on Feb.18, 2009, under Eating Habits

so marie starts getting child support checks.  she decides to spend it on whatever she wants.  so she buys two gooey butter cakes.  you know, the essentials.

she goes into her room, and eats them both.

she comes back out with the empty boxes.  i ask if she really ate them both.

“yeah, is that a lot?”

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pay up

by on Feb.18, 2009, under Morals

so marie had a daughter, my step-daughter.  her baby’s daddy finally started paying child support.  my thought is, okay, that money will so help pay the bills.  food, rent, electric, etc.  nope.

marie says that since the check came in her name, she could do whatever the hell she wants with it.

ok.  so i started charging her rent.  time to pay up.

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we’re not with her

by on Feb.18, 2009, under Morals

my ex, marie, was an absolute bitch.  she thought of no one but herself, and didn’t hesitate to make others do work that she was perfectly capable of doing.

so we’re all at Lenny’s, the 24-hour diner.  like 8 or 9 of us.  marie orders the chili cheese fries.  it comes out, and the bacon is sitting right on top.  whole.  in strips.  no one thinks anything of it.  we’re talking, laughing, and smoking like normal, and marie waves down the waitress.

my bacon isn’t crumbled.'” the poor waitress looks at us, like, “is she for real?”  we’re just like “yes, she is, and she’s not with us.  please don’t spit in our food.”

yep.  marie made her take the appetizer back, have the cooks remake it, and bring a new one.  bitch.

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